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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??