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Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
This day needs more yesterday.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...