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I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.