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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.