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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
never tell a lie...unless it is true
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.