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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means Iām not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
The wet spot in my bed is tears
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser