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twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.