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All milk is breast milk.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...