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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.