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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.