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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
No one has ever been in an empty room.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?