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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...