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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.