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The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.