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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.