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The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.