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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point