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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie