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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I liked you better before we met.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.