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I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever