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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?