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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.