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“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!