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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs