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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.