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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.