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Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
It’s a status….not your diary…
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.