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I will write something profound ... subsoil!
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.