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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.