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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?