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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.