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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss