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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.