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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."