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No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner