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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Even when Iām home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook