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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.