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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
It’s not pretty being easy.