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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.