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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.