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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
This century is already 15% over.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.