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According to my nipples, summer is over
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
The only dates I get are updates.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk