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If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?