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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.