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They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.