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Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.