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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject