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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there