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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.