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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.