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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know Iām delicious but damn.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red