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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like