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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.