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Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......