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Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.