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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.