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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
“The darndest things.” -kids
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.