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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.