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My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know