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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.