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Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.