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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.