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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.