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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.