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Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks Iām not reading it.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm