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Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!