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I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.