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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I need a new bad decision.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.