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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.