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Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.