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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.