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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.