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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."