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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.