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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.