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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.