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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions