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I put the o in illiterate!
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.