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I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.