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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.