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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
My own personal hell sounds great, actually