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Dear Santa, I was framed!
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.