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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
I liked you better before we met.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.