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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?