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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"