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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.