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Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
"Love your friends, Not their sisters." & "Love your sisters, Not their friends." -By Mummy...