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I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies Iām going to pay with.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.