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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...