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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.