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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.