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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.