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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Beauty is only a light switch away...
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.