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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.