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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it