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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.