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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.