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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!