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My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.