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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Mondays should start at noon.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?