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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.