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Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.