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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.