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I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.