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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.