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So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.