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Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
I dream about naps.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.