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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.