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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.