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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
take me drunk i`m home
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.