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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but Iām going to be too busy sitting on mine.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
Running behind is my cardio.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.