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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.