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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
i hate that the sun comes up so early