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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.