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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.