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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.