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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.